Crap

When I eat like crap, I feel like crap and then I feel like crap about myself. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s partially borne of being judgmental and harsh on myself, but I also think there are real mental consequences to not feeling nourished. It’s hard to maintain a positive attitude without feeling truly healthy and whole.

Sometimes, I integrate a little crap into my diet in an OK way. Case in point, I enjoyed a delicious decaf mocha with Letters from Juliet.

I always need a treat at the movies!

Yummy Mexican Salad!

Oatcake Dessert

I have been snacking a lot at night. I am staying up later and just hanging out, and I think I associate that relaxed, tv-watching behavior with snacking. Luckily, I found this delicious microwave cookie recipe here and I made mine without sugar. I didn’t need the calories, and I wasn’t exactly hungry, but it was something to enjoy. I am partially glad to have given up the scale because who knows how this snacking is affecting my weight. I shouldn’t care, but I do, and I also don’t want to see lack of scale-ing as an invitation to eat whatever I want.

Sunday, things got ugly. I started off my day with a less-than-healthy meal and things got worse from there. I think a lot of my poor eating stemmed from competitiveness. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s somehow true. I love eating healthy, and I love being an example of healthy living for people. I love that many of my friends and family also eat healthy, work out, and aim to lead balanced lives. However, when the scale tips in a way that makes me feel like “everyone else” is super healthy and fit and in control… and I am not… it becomes difficult for me to pull myself out of an unhealthy eating pattern. Again, this is an example of where scales do not benefit any of us. I do not need to compare myself to other people or evaluate my exercise and eating against others–that’s a personal, internal scale that does not benefit me in any way. I need to take care of myself and eat in the best way for me, but sometimes I lose sight of that…

I began Sunday late. I had brunch from our local Dunkin Donuts with my friend Rosalba. I lived with her my first year at my school, and I used to stop and get breakfast from Dunkin Donuts all the time on my way home from the gym, so on the day of graduation it was nice to have a little closure. I really enjoyed my coffee with milk (no sugar–which was an old standby) and whole wheat bagel with lowfat cream cheese and good conversation with Rosalba.

Memories!!

After graduation, I had a veggie burger on a sandwich thin–unpictured because it was BO-ring. I spent the evening doing laundry, cleaning, starting to pack, contemplating my new life, and not going grocery shopping. One of the great things about cleanse-ing was how much I shopped and planned, and I really enjoyed that, but with traveling and all the end-of-the-year activities, I kept putting off shopping and planning, which led me next door to the Claymont Steak Shop.

Wrap!

Their food is pretty healthy, and I got a chicken and veggie wrap. Okay, that’s not quite it…

Wrap & friends

Look at that pudding. It’s actually kind of gross looking, but I saw it and I wanted a bite, and that’s exactly what I had… at first. I ate half the wrap and a bit of the pudding, and then put them off to the side because “I’m a healthy eater. I have willpower.” Okay, my willpower waned in the face of mindless tv, piles of laundry, and packing. And before I knew it, I had eaten the entire wrap and all the pudding and even procured a scoop of ice cream. YIKES. It was not what I needed at all. I just let myself turn off and GO. I felt pretty ashamed and like I didn’t want to write about it on my blog. I felt out of control and weak and gross, and my competitive side came out. “Everyone else is healthy! Why aren’t you!?!?!” One day of eating like an idiot and a lot of my work goes out the window, but hopefully only temporarily…

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About Heather

I'm a literature-loving adventurer.
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2 Responses to Crap

  1. Pingback: It only takes a day! | A Year Without the Scale

  2. Maryanna says:

    My advice – don’t beat yourself up over these things. It’s ok. Everyone is going to give into temptation somethings…and I think you SHOULD give in sometimes (otherwise you’ll never get it out of your head!)

    Each day is a new day! Start the next one fresh and don’t feel guilty about the day before.

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