I’ve gained weight. Well, I think I’ve gained weight. I’m still scale-free, so I don’t really know, but I can feel it… just a little thicker, a little bit uncomfortable. This is a problem.
Not the (supposed) weight-gain, per se, but the fact that I am scrutinizing my body and thinking I’ve gained weight–and taking my measurements and pinching rolls of fat. Um, NO. I don’t want to live like this. I gave up the scale to try and find a better relationship with eating and my body.
Of course, there was a moment (month?) of poor eating. I was no longer cleanse-ing. School was out, so I lost my routine. I definitely indulged a bit too much. In between indulgences, I was frantically packing, donating, cleaning, moving. I have moved my stuff out of my apartment in shifts. (I am getting the boot on June 30th.) One day, I cleaned out closets, hauled my stuff down a few flights of stairs and into my car for a trip to Goodwill. Another day, my brother and his roommate came to take my furniture for their new house. So, there was more packing, hauling, preparing, wrapping. In the middle of this, my apartment is in shambles and the two dying window units are gasping and wheezing slight whisps of coolness into the humid air. My brother nabbed my fan on his way out, so my workouts turned into sweaty messes as I tripped over boxes in between jabs and narrowly avoiding a stray roll of packing tape as I lunged across the room. I stopped working out as consistently.
I volunteered at the last minute for a school trip after another chaperone dropped out. Yes, this is the same school that I just resigned from, but I love the kids, and I had been on this service trip before. We spent a week in Avery County, North Carolina. Despite the twenty-hour round trip (huge van, leather seats, no air conditioning), I loved the week. I ran every morning with some members of the XC team, got in a trip to the Y, took walks, and spent entire days raking rocks and brambles off of steep Appalachian hill sides. Of course, for most of the week, the closest thing to a vegetable I could find was the tomato sauce in pizza. I probably ate too much like a high school boy, and it was difficult to kick the habit when I got home, especially with the constant packing, rising temperatures, and lack of a routine.
Meanwhile, my velocitized boyfriend lost 12 lbs in a month. I could feel my waistline expanding as his was contracting, and though I am so proud of his hard work (and think he looks hot), it made me insecure. I felt like I had no discipline. I could feel my thighs rubbing together where they hadn’t in the past.
I started reading all my diet books. I went back on the cleanse for about a day. I picked up a new book and decided to try that. It was scheme scheme scheme.
I came home from spending the weekend with my boyfriend. We ate out. I indulged more than he did. (Weak weak weak, guilt guilt guilt) I took my dad out for a belated father’s day and had pancakes for the first time in forever (chocolate chocolate chip-I don’t regret it).
I came home and stared at myself in the mirror. I could see the fat. I must have gained ten pounds. Why am I thinking about weight if I’m trying to spare myself from that kind of thinking and abuse?
I decided to work out. I popped in a new workout dvd. (I make good investments when I’m preparing to leave the country.) I was rocking it. We got to abs. I couldn’t keep up. I burst out crying. I have lost all my fitness and gained a million pounds.
And then I decided, no. This is not the way it’s going to be.
I decided to Nip It In The Bud.
I might call it NIITB for short. It sounds like a boy band.
As of last night (and this morning and tomorrow and every day of my life), I have two choices.
1–I just resign myself. I eat what I want. I beat myself up. I make myself crazy. I make the people around me crazy. I don’t feel good.
2–Do something about it. Do it my way.
I have chosen option 2. I am going to do something about it. I got up this morning and went for a 40-minute run. I prepped a green monster for breakfast along with two hardboiled eggs and a slice of German bread. I had some nuts and about 7 peanut M&Ms to tide myself over. I made my way to Panera for lunch and enjoyed a salad with a 1/2 sandwich and an apple. I am currently sipping a soy latte and will meet some former students for dinner soon. I’m thinking salad. I’m craving salad.
And that’s how it is. I am going to find my own path. I am going to work out because I love it and I am going to eat in a way that makes sense for me. I am going to aim for clean eating. I need to be more prepared, but I am going to give myself a break for this next week as I move out, tutor, meet everyone I know for some meal before I leave Delaware, and figure out plan NIITB.
I feel a lot better. I know that making a real change is slow and deliberate. I want to eventually arrive at my Happy Weight. I need to remember the wisdom of September. I don’t need to lose 20 lbs in two weeks and then give up when I’m frustrated after a day.
Will I be photographing and journaling everything? I don’t know.
Will I be blogging? A definite yes. I don’t have internet in my apartment, which also accounts for the lack of blogging, but I love it. It keeps me sane and connected. I read so many healthy living blogs and I love being part of the community.
Will I struggle? Yes. But I need to make some commandments for myself a la Healthy Ashley.